Saturday, 16 January 2016

The other side of counseling ( Trigger warning )

I'm sure most of you have read- or have starred in- counseling success stories, and I'm not here to scare you out of it either, because if you feel as if you need help, please, go get help.

But my story isn't a very nice one.

So a about two months ago, I  decided to take the step to good mental health and seek counseling. Luckily, the school counselor's office was in my department. I didn't want anyone to know about it, so I made up an excuse to my parents why I had to stay late on fridays ( Since I'm a psych student, I said I was helping out in the guidance office ).

The guidance counselor was pretty nice. She asked me questions, and listened well and gave her opinions nicely, but she saw something wrong in how I was. So, she referred me to a psychologist- who for now, we shall call Dr. dude.

They contacted me and said that they'll be conducting a few tests- and Dr. dude would also like to meet me in person for an evaluation.

So there I was, waiting until they finally contacted me for the evaluation. I was expecting to see the guidance counselor- who we shall call Ms. nut- and Dr. dude sitting on the long table in the office. But I was a bit shocked when I came in to see someone else in the room. He was about 4 or 5 years older than me. So, I assumed he was Dr. dude's intern, and despite not liking his presence- I forced myself to be okay with it.

During said evaluation, Dr. dude and the intern made a few inappropriate jokes (like child molesting)- which I did NOT like at all, but I didn't call them out on it as I normally would because of the situation we were in.

The first test would be conducted the following friday. Again, I expected to see Dr. dude and Ms. nut to be there, alas, it was just the intern. Apparently he was there to because in order to graduate his masters, he needed to conduct a psychological evaluation. Despite not liking him- at all- I was fine with it because he seemed to be nice. He conducted the test and asked a few questions about me. He said he'd discuss the results during the next session. Considering the fact that I wanted to know what was going on in my head that was driving me nuts and giving me anxiety, I REALLY wanted to discuss the results.

The day came and I waited an hour in the halls for him. He came and said that they were having a meeting so I needed to wait another hour. I was kinda ticked at the fact that he didn't tell me beforehand, but since I needed the results, I stayed. An hour later he texts and says he can't meet me in the office, so he asks me to go to a fast food just nearby, it only made be more anxious because I happen to dislike public places, and since I didn't want anyone to know, I was worried someone would see me there, but I needed those results. So you can only imagine how angry I was when he didn't tell me the results. I asked him about it, but he'd divert the topic. He also seemed to laugh and smile at the most inapproriate of times.

I don't know about other people, but every time I would wait for a session, I would be expecting to see Dr. dude. But that never happened. It was always just the intern.

He pissed me off more than usual. Especially because every time I'd try to voice out a concern- like recent nightmares that make me hurt myself- he'd tell me to save it and divert to another topic. And not to mention that even after a month or so- he never discussed the results!

He pissed me off so much and tried to make me do things I didn't want to- or was uncomfortable of doing. Basically... I hated it. It wasn't helping at all. A few sessions in and I was acting out. I was having the worst nightmares, and the lapses of time in my daily life was getting worse and worse, but every time I'd try to tell him- he'd divert to another topic.

It was like I was a little monkey and he was a scientist conducting and experiment. I feel like the only reason he was there was to graduate, he had no intent of helping me at all. I'd try to contact him off hours- as he told me to do- but he never responded. I felt used.

So I contacted Ms. nut and told her to inform the intern that I wasn't coming back. I got to speak to Ms. nut personally about some of my concerns but I didn't want to speak negatively of the intern when he wasn't there. Ms. nut told me she'd contact me every now and then to see how I was doing and to make sure I was fine. I appreciate that.

Basically. It's important to find the right person to counsel you. Especially when what you're going through is pretty rough. You need to feel safe and comfortable. You need to able to be yourself, and they need to treat you right. It might be hard to look for the right person- or people, but don't settle for worse. It's probably going to take me a while to try and find another counselor. I'm still a bit worried that I'll feel like an experiment again, but please, don't let this scare you away from help. And if you need anyone- I might not be the perfect person, but I'll listen, and I'll try to help the best way I can.

Best of luck
- Veikka

Pics from google. Please credit owners.

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